W35D2.Monday.December 21st

Uh huh – I am pregnant – REALLY pregnant – 35 weeks in fact (5 weeks to go) sometimes I don’t think my skin could stretch another millimeter but it does. I’m tired, I am so hormonal and emotional and I cry at Frosty the Snowman and Santa Clause 3 and if my kids don’t do what I ask them. I have no energy – for the most part – but if for some reason I get a burst or just work on something slow and steady, I pay for it dearly the next day. I can’t sleep for very long without waking up with back pain. Last night on the middle trip to the potty I could hardly stand up straight it was so painful but that was a front right pain – I was so tired that I didn’t even try to figure out if it was a contraction or time how long it lasted – I just went back to bed and prayed I could sleep through the pain. I did. For an hour. There was a huge (6th largest ever in the area) snowstorm this past weekend. I prayed that I’d go into labor. I’m ready. Well I’m emotionally and physically ready, of course my bag is not packed and my desk at work is not prepared, but I just don’t care. I am ready for one minute long real contractions that are less than 5 minutes apart for one hour. I’m not at the point where I’m issuing any eviction notices….yet. Everything that I complain about is something that I also love and will miss LIKE HER PUSHING ON MY RIGHT RIB ANYTIME I SIT DOWN – I sit for a living and the worst part is I am so uncomfortable and have such weak legs that I don’t want to even attempt to stand up. I’m sooooo tired. I do LOVE to watch her move around in there. I don’t understand why nobody asks to see her move or feel her move. Especially my family. I guess they don’t care or it’s not exciting for them. Weirdos. My thoughts are that there are a very limited number of opportunities left to enjoy the living belly – cuz this ain’t gonna happen again. I have had a rough couple of weeks though and at some points I did toy with the idea of trying for a boy. Then I came to my senses and actually prayed for a c-section so that I KNEW it was taken care of before I even left the hospital – who by the way changed the flu policy last week to a spouse and two visitors. Of course – as soon as my expectations are rearranged and I have come to accept the change – they change it again – I’ve had atleast 20 contractions today – I lost count – of course they are just practice ones but still – with everyone I think this is it and I know it’s not and it’s not – and all the missed expectations is taking a toll on me. I’m at the point where I doubt myself daily – I tell myself there is no way I can give four children the love, affection and time they each deserve and that I’ll forever destroy them because of my selfish choice to have a large family.

I weighed myself yesterday – 162.5 – this morning – 163.5